Hello ladies! And by ladies, I strictly mean people born with vaginas who identify with wearing skirts, changing diapers and of course using makeup!
In today’s tutorial we’re going to go over the perfect day makeup look for life in Donald Trump’s America.
Start with a face that’s freshly washed and moisturized. I highly recommend a moisturizer that includes an SPF 30 for a couple reasons. The first is that the product will help protect against skin cancer, which is now extra important since you probably no longer have health insurance.
The second is that by shielding your skin from the sun, you’ll look younger and fresher longer. And while how youthful and attractive a woman looks has always been important, that preference is about to be taken to another level. I mean, ask yourself, how long will it be until corporate America adopts Trump’s strategy of hiring people in part because they’ll good on TV?
Your next step is to apply a primer. A lot of ladies skip using a primer but really, this little tube is what’s key to making your look last. Think of a primer as like a computer hack ordered by Vladimir Putin. You don’t absolutely need it but damn, is it ever helpful.
There are all kinds of different primers out there. I prefer one that mattifies my face so that you can’t see the sweat created by my anxiety-induced panic attacks. But maybe one that adds hydration is a better fit for you because suspected lead poisoning in your town means that you don’t drink as much water as you should.
Foundation is next and I really need to advocate that you buy the best quality foundation you can afford. Remember, your entire future might ride on how attractive you appear. Also, talk to an expert about what colour to buy. Getting the right shade is important not only for your look but also so that you know whether or not you should move to Canada.
Once your foundation has evened out your complexion, tackle any still-visible flaws with a cover-up or concealer. In my case, I have dark circles under my eyes as a result of staying up at night worrying about a potential nuclear holocaust. To hide them, I just use this nifty little product and there, it looks like I spent the night dreaming about kicking China’s ass.
Now I’m going to make what’s kind of a big statement and say that contouring, which has been the makeup trend for the past couple of years, is out. That’s because contouring, if done right, takes a look from pretty, girl-next-door, to flawless goddess.
Of course women are not goddesses. We’re barely worthy of having the right to vote and can’t even be trusted to have a say over our own bodies. So while we need to look good, we can’t look too good. After all, looking too pretty can have some serious consequences in a country that voted in a self-confessed sexual predator.
But while your contouring sets should be tossed in the garbage along with your passport and your optimism, hold on to your bronzer because that’s what we’re going to use next. Take you biggest, fluffiest brush, yeah, the one that kind of reminds you of Trump’s hair, and just apply some bronzer here and here and of course along here. You’re aiming to make it look like you just got back from a week in the Florida Keys even though you really just took on a second job so that you’ll have cash to send you kids to private school since the public system is being reduced to a holding room for private prisons.
Now that our face is done, we’re going to do our eyes. I know that money is tight, especially since your taxes ended up going up under Trump, but it’s super-important to own eye makeup that is smudge- and water-resistant. Just think, how many times did you cry last week. Do you want the world to know how weak you are, you special little snowflake? Yeah, I didn’t think so; spring for a new mascara.
First you’re going to take a black eyeliner and completely outline your eye. If the result is giving you flashbacks to your junior high goth phase, you’ve nailed the look.
Now with all of that eyeliner, you might think we’re going to smudge it and create a smokey eye but nope! A smokey eye is for sluts so instead we’re going to just apply a very neutral light brown eyeshadow over the lid and then accent our eyes with a slightly shimmery flesh-coloured powder maybe in an ivory or a porcelain or even an alabaster. If none of those shades work for you, you should move to Canada.
Next we finish our eyes off with multiple coats of mascara. Again, make sure that you’re using a waterproof formula so that it doesn’t run when you start to tear up because of a smog-induced coughing fit.
Last but not least are our lips. We’re going to use a browny pink since bright colours are for whores. If you want, go for a light gloss or even a frost, if you want to give a little shoutout to the ’80s. But whatever you do, make sure your lips end up looking subtle since the look we’re going for is, “I don’t even have a month.”
Finish everything off with a light dusting of setting powder. Usually you’d use a translucent shade but I recommend that you track down something that has slight orange tinge to it. I know that sounds weird but trust me, this little trick will make you quite the trendsetter.
And that’s it. You should now have a look that pleases your white male overlords but that doesn’t catch the attention of those pesky Mexican rapists.
Next week: How to dress like a good Christian while still giving the finger to Islam.